Mohamed Touré takes advantage and gives Norwich an early lead (Photo: Steve Daniels)

Oh dear.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

What a shitshow, from start to finish. Or rather, a lot of shit but little to show.

I could tell it wasn’t going to be a great evening right from the off, when the 3A failed to show and when the next one came along it was full. I eventually made it with five minutes to spare until kick off, and six minutes later I wished I hadn’t.

Oxford are in a tough enough situation as it is, without gifting your opponents three goals. The first, with just 52 seconds on the clock, was just a clusterfuck of errors, from a long ball forward by Canaries keeper Daniel Grimshaw which allowed Mohamed Touré to easily outpace Sam Long, to Jamie Cumming’s air kick that allowed Touré the simplest of tap-ins on his first start for Norwich.

The first question has to be: what on earth was Long doing at left centre-back in the first place? A closer look showed that United’s back four comprised four centre-backs, with Ciaron Brown on the left and Christ Makosso on the right, so only one of the back four, Michał Helik, was actually in the correct position.

Now, I understand that Matt Bloomfield is relatively new to the post and that he doesn’t have a whole load of experience as a manager, but even as a junior coach I was always taught the KISS maxim: Keep It Simple, Stupid. In other words, don’t try to be clever and don’t try to over-complicate things and NEVER put round pegs in square holes (or was it square pegs in round holes? I forget).

So you’re immediately putting yourself on the back foot which, when you need a win to alleviate your relegation troubles and you find yourself a goal down in the first minute, isn’t ideal.

And the sad fact is that there was no reaction. The management changed nothing despite Oscar Schwartau being given the freedom of the Kassam after the ball was given away in midfield. On this occasion Cumming did well to parry the cross-shot away from goal with Touré ready to pounce.

It didn’t take long for Norwich to rectify that, as in the 20th minute they easily passed their way around the Oxford defence before the ball was slipped through to Sam Field in acres of space. His cross was on a plate for Touré to tap in his second.

At half time there was, at last, a change made, with United reverting to the three-at-the-back formation as Ruben Roosken replaced Long and Stan Mills came on for Przsemysłav Płacheta, who had been equally ineffective going forward on the right wing as he was tracking back.

And, for the brief flicker of a candle, it looked like things might improve as Mark Harris’s cut back found Myles Peart-Harris, whose shot went a couple of feet over.

Not to worry. Normal service was resumed in the third minute of the half as Aidomo Emakhu, making his home debut, tried to escape the Norwich press by playing the ball back to the defence, but instead found Touré, who completed his hat-trick was aplomb. It will be the easiest hat-trick he will ever score in his career.

So, 3-0 down and defeated with a half still to play. If only the Oxford players had been able to take notice of simultaneous events at the King Power Stadium, where Leicester City found themselves with a 3-0 half-time lead against Southampton. The Foxes still contrived to lose 4-3 to the Saints to keep themselves firmly in the relegation mix, but unfortunately United were unable to replicate Southampton’s comeback and instead limped to an embarrassing defeat.

It wasn’t all doom and gloom. In the 57th minute, South Korean international winger Jeon Jin-Woo came off the bench – replacing the hapless Emakhu – for his United debut. It took him about eight minutes to touch the ball for the first time, but he immediately brought an urgency and a level of skill that had been lacking throughout the game from the rest of the team.

It was Jeon who won a free kick just outside the area, taken by Cameron Brannagan, from which the rebound fell Stan Mills’ way, his shot gathered by Grimshaw. It was the side’s first and only shot on target.

For large parts of the second half, Norwich didn’t look that great. They still looked comfortably better than Oxford though. “One team in Yellow” sang the Norwich fans, only it was the team in pink that were the only side ever likely to win this particular contest.

The result almost certainly confirms Norwich’s retention of their Championship status for next season. For United, though, barring a series of increasingly unlikely results, it’s looking like League One beckons. And it’s exactly what they deserve, to be fair.

The season has been blighted by bizarre team selections – under both managers – and a lack of players of the requisite Championship ability. With Will Lankshear suspended, Harris was the only striker option available (although with Gatlin O’Donkor scoring for the Under-21s on the same evening, maybe that could change) and for over a year he has failed to show the same goalscoring instinct that led the U’s to promotion in 2024.

In midfield, Cameron Brannagan has been a shadow of his former self, possibly due to suffering more injuries than before, and with Brian De Keersmaecker and Jamie Donley injured there was no creative spark.

Mills showed that he is a better option on the right than Płacheta, and Jeon’s cameo gave hope that we might have found the left winger that the team has been short of since the departure of Josh Murphy, while Peart-Harris could be the #10 to link up with Lankshear, at least for the time being.

The big question remains though: even if these players are the right one to improve the situation, will the manager play them in their proper positions?

Only the small matter of an FA Cup tie against Premier League Sunderland on Sunday, followed by an away game at league leaders Middlesbrough…

UTFO

Games without a penalty: a record-equalling 85.